Memorizing what you told us, like a foreigner on holiday

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did - Mark Twain

You know, I’ve really lost the flair for this thing. But every now and then I feel like I can actually keep it up and slap a new post on like a doctor slaps a newborn’s ass. That’s right, about once in a lifetime. I’m feeling inspired tonight. Perhaps a little hungover from this afternoon, a little annoyed, frustrated, confused, pained and even a little bit excited. So here is my update.

Its Cinco de Miracle Whip. I hate Mayo. I stopped by work this morning to pick up some drugs and see if I needed to come in and one of the girls says to me, “It’s your day off isn’t it?” “Yep.” “Why aren’t you drunk yet?” Kristin and I, Hetero Lifemates, joined later on and had a few shots and hit the hot tub. It was sweet. I was gonna go to Bend this weekend but stupid me, I’ve run out of a muy importante medication and am shit out of luck til Wednesday when I go back to the doctor. I get to stay in town where I live a block from urgent care in case anything happens. I’m a tard like that. One plus side to being a pharmacy tech is I type in their Rx’s all day so I know their phone number by heart. 503-666-5050 in case any of you are wondering; and Dr. Wong is my favorite.

On the upside of being in Portland, Geek Prom is tomorrow night and I am SO going! I got my dress out and a new tiara to replace the one I lost oh-so-many years ago. I can’t wait, I’ll be getting down with all the geekiest kids in town (thanks Jesse, you’re the best! Can’t wait!).

In other news, my move is fast approaching and it has me thinking hard about the future. The summer holds several goals for me. The big one is to pick a new school since PSU sucks BALLS and I’d rather be a tech forever then go there. If anyone has any advice it would be much appreciated. By the end of the summer I hope to have picked a new school and have settled on a new plan for finishing my degree. I’m all pent up and angry about my future. There is no harm in hoping for change. But I’m sick of holding my breath. So that’s what’s new with me. Oh yeah and I’m insulted cos I’ve been at my job almost a year and I still don’t have a name tag. That just hurts. Its smells like nacho cheese….why?!

So, it’s another one of those lame ass nights when I haven’t slept in days and I get into bed ready to fall off into sleep so hard I fracture my skull and go to the hospital in my dreams. I get into bed and nothing happens. I’m not tired again. I toss and turn and my stupid brain won’t shut the mother fuck up.

I heard the most damning statement of my life tonight. It honestly stressed me out so much I don’t think I will be able to blow off my schoolwork for at least a week. Or eat or breathe. A pharmacist said to me when we were discussing me applying to pharmacy schools this fall, “the competion is so stiff, if you have what it takes to get into pharmacy school you can get into med school.” I don’t want to be able to get into med school. And I don’t want the competition to be that tight. Ugh. Why can’t there just be more pharmacy schools? There is a serious shortage of pharmacists and a huge supply of applicants! I’m so stressed out about school right now, I could just hurl.

In other news, I am moving at the end of May and I’m really excited! I wanted to go back to dad’s cos I miss him a lot and his daddy wisdom. And Nick and Dave need me, lets me honest. They are getting so big. But he lives too far from work and I live for Walgreen’s Pharmacy. So I’m moving in with the Meisners! Teresa asked me to move in with them which is super cool of her since she’s been like a mom to me ever since my own ran off (plus she always thought my real mom was psycho, good call Teresa ). I like the idea of a family, plus I get to see my niece Daisy just about ALL THE TIME! Cutest baby ever; I’m in love with her. Plus it satisfies my daily baby intake and shuts that biological clock up. Fucker has been ticking. I feel so ready to get on with life, and its just inching by. I want my PharmD, I want my kids, I want my dog, I want my house. Let’s fucking go. Balls.

News of the Strange

Well, actually since so many of you have questioned my very existence it’s probably a good idea pretend I’m still alive and update you sorry lonesome fucks. Soo, in the last few weeks:

I’ve been at work most of this whole time. It’s a well known fact that I’m a workaholic for the simple reason I love my job. It keeps me busy and my mind off of other things. Its been a little crazy with the long hours and cranky people though, I think its almost time to get away for an afternoon.

When not at work, or getting ready for work I’ve been at that doctor’s about a million times. And I’ve gotta go about a million more.

Been thinking a lot about my move in June, thinking of getting out of this place for a few years. It could be good for me. I feel like there is nothing to keep me in Oregon.

Elliott got fixed and promptly removed her own stitches. She’s lucky her guts didn’t spill out everywhere.

I missed out on the sexiest pair of Gucci glasses ever. When I went back for them they’d sold every last pair. Retail therapy eases all wounds; if only for a short time.

“Why did God make us all different, if he wants us all to be the same?” In short, I’m still around, but I’m probably at the pharmacy. And if not I’m likely in a bad mood so fuck off. Ever feel like the city you live in exists only as far as your eye can see at any given moment? There isn't a damn thing outside of these four walls tonight.

something extrordanary happened on my drive home from school earlier tonight. i was thinking about someone and how depressed they make me as i drove up onto the I-84 bridge. as feet of pavment flew beneath me i saw only the horizon as it rose in front of me. i saw the moon rise above the concrete barrier large as the sky itself. surrounded and nurtured in a blanket of grey clouds i witnessed the man in the moon weeping. his face reflected the own anguish i feel over a life never meant to be. i noticed one of my all time favorite songs was playing; a never-fail beauty of symphonic indie. as i watched my own soul 3.8 quadrillion ångströms away, the city spread out below. twenty miles of suburbs twinkled in front of me. as the bridge crested it began to curve, drawing my sight away from the suburbs. slower then time and at seventy miles per hour my city swirled around me. skyscarpers stood tall as millions the millions of people surrounding me ceased to exist. it was love and beauty in its purest form, me taking my city in. everything that had been weighing on my mind in recent weeks and hours and seconds vanished. almost brought this cold hearted bitch to tears.

I cannot sleep. So I shall spill all the thoughts in my head that are keeping me up. In a much watered down version so no one actually knows what I’m talking about. A little self loathing mixed with self pity mixed with other-people loathing and wrapped up with a nice ‘this is how it is so I better fix what I can and get the fuck over the rest.’

January was the shitty month. Its end was supposed to signify then end of shittiness in my world. February was the fresh start, back to my wonderful life. I love my life. I fucking rock. Like bahgawk. But this did not go as planned. February has sucked some ass. So apparently I cannot signal the end of shit with a date, I just need to quit being a whining fucking pussy and get over it. I’m so losing my train of thought and not into this anymore. I’m done bitching.

So anyways, I had an ok weekend. I worked the Lombard store for a while and it was awesome. They don’t put up with any shit over there, its such a nice change. Then I go back to my store and its back to the same old crap. I love it but shit, we take entirely too much crap. I got smashed last night and stayed up til it was 7:30 in the morning. Then I got up today and got drunk watching the game with some friends. It was great. I love those guys. I have a game for you guys, post your answers in the comments. Guess what I discovered we sell in the pharmacy this week? Past discoveries include but are not limited to; bladder infection test kits, menopause test kits, generic lubricant, infertility test kits (for men). And a hint, this is not a kit, rather it is a umm…how do I put this. Fuck you just guess. It’s a thing.

This was kind of a lame post. Sorry guys. I had a shitload to say and I just got bored and didn’t finish.

Some thoughts from class tonight

MATURE LOVE - Involves intellect, emotion and activity. Includes active concern for each other’s emotional, physical and material needs. You must also like that person, their interests and mannerisms. It may be perceived as a responsibility, but not as a burden.

Authentic Acts of Love – you can say the “L” word all you want, the actions that show love are the only true way of validating love’s existence.

“Nobody broke your heart; you broke your own because you can’t finish what you start”
We feel in the now. Falling in love is one of the most amazing and rewarding experiences in life, and we only get to do it a few times. When it comes to separating infatuation from true lasting love, you have to accept the fact that the head-over-heels, occupy every moment of your thoughts with unadulterated bliss will fade. It should fade. The love and commitment to this person you’ve given yourself to remains. The danger lies in giving too much of yourself in the infatuation stage. We know all too well how excruciating it is to be crushed and broken and bitter when the flame settles down. To survive it, you have to separate yourself from the fantasy. Everything is perfect at first. True love, strong love means everything doesn’t have to be perfect all the time. The imperfection is what makes it so rewarding and meaningful. If I was with someone and everything was superlative, fuck yes I’d stick around. But doesn’t mean more if you can stand by someone through the shitstorm that is life, if you can be 100% behind someone and work through your problems? Everything means more when you’ve fought for it. And love is the toughest fight of all. I’m not saying be suspicious and pessimistic when falling. Enjoy it, it is a fleeting feeling. We will have fallen many times in the course of our lives, but it won’t be so often that it will last. Let’s not look to a few years but to a few decades. We don’t have much more then those few decades. Don’t waste it on a few years.

just a titter

I just wanted to say I had an awesome winter break. School is back on, and looking back I'm very pleased with everything. I made some new buddies, drank a few new drinks (I love red-headed sluts. Its so perfect since you are what you drink). My plan for the new year is work exellently. I'm getting over the pnuemonia (slowly but surely), I love my classes, I'm finally getting my computer back after 2 years (it may not work for shit at this point, but damnit its mine) and I am fianlly free and clear of the people in my life who have been throwing bad energy my way. Whoo Fucking Hoo! Thanks to all you guys who made my break one of the best I've ever had, and to all my wonderful friends and loved ones who are making this a wonderful new year. And lets pray that Jordan and Cassandra never put thier videos on the internet. I love you guys.

Last night...

I don't think I need to say anything else about last night...

2006 has arrived!

Wow. That was a shitty ending to a shitty year. I’m looking forward to 2006 and putting all the drama and lame bullshit behind me. So FUCK YOU 2005, fuck you stupid assholes who think they can treat me like shit, fuck you shitty classes I’m sick of taking and fuck you stupid libido, You just wait your turn. If I’ve left anyone or anything out that made my 2005 the worst year ever, then let me just say, FUCK YOU TOO!

Now it’s 2006 and it’s all behind me. I’m stronger and better and after everything that happened, I’m just fine. Lets get this incredible year started!

new years rumination

“true love is a rose that i guess is locked to get closed”

I woke up from a nightmare last night. I woke up into reality unsure of which side I belonged on. Sometimes nightmares are undistinguishable from the truth.

Reality is an outdated concept in my opinion. Reality dictates that even the most random happenings in my life are valid. Frankly, I don’t always want them to be. “Dawna, you are letting him do it to you again. Reality check, didn’t you do this yesterday and the day before and the day before?” Yes I did. And I much prefer the denial. Wouldn’t life be better (and I’m strictly speaking in the moment. Consequences of actions should never be considered until after the fact) if we disregarded the thorn on our sides, this reality, and started living!? Imagine the possibilities, we could love those who hurt us, spend money we don’t have. We could live like gods. Join me, let reality go.

Merry Chirstmas Eve!

Holy fuckin' Moses I had a good time last night. Cassandra, Brie and I went down to McFaddon's and met up with KK and her friends. Within 2 minutes of getting there I finished a drink and Jordan bought me a shot. It was a good night. I really didn't think I'd enjoy a bar with a cover charge and hip-hip music, but it turned out to be great music and they started playing 80's stuff as the night wore on. I don't even dance and I was all over that floor. Made a few friends, made better friends with some people. Son of a bitch I was drunk. But sadly, we said after-party at our house and everyone but Cassandra and me assed out within like 45 minutes. So we only stayed up til four. Bummer. Party at my house tomorrow night! And Monday! Time to get ready for work!

Dag yo!

Cheers and Beers. I’m so excited to tell my dad about the night I had last night. I would have to say my first party was a smashing success. We cleared out most of the liquor, all of the wine and champagne I bought and had enough noise complaints to get the rent-a-pigs called twice. Daddy will be proud. I’m really glad everyone Kristin and I invited didn’t show up, because son of a bitch there was a lot of people here. I’m not even too upset about the cheesecake bubbling. Everyone had a good time and got along and we got some great pictures. What more can a girl ask? Time to call dad…

My fortune said send a love letter this week...

My fortune said send a love letter this week. That’s not so much a fortune as a demand, but perhaps it is supposed to lead me to something wonderful. And I’m not talking about finding the man of my dreams, getting married and having two lovely babies named Elliott and Ava. Not to mention the estate with acreage. That’s all bullshit and we both know it. The chance of something thoroughly unknown to a single soul on this earth. I’m no good at writing, putting my feelings and thoughts down in words. I experience emotions in images and colors and temperatures, they are so grand to me words fail to convey them. If I cannot share when I’m feeling exactly as I feel it, without losing some of the beauty in my lovehurtempathy then it’s not worth writing down. I think I’m much better at sharing in real life. I think this vessel is made to nurture. I digress. My outstanding love letter to the unknown loved one is quite the opportunity. Maybe I don’t love them yet; the letter could be the creation of my love for them. For all I know, the love letter could freak them out and they think I’m crazy. The dangers that drama brings are untold to this quiet young one. Perhaps it will rekindle a friendship that died down from my past. There are a hundred thousand outcomes to the action I take based on this fortune. I could stand against action and the in itself could be life changing. Or who knows, maybe a life with the one I love for all flaws and qualities combined is just a pen stroke away…

Booya!

I worked 28 of the last 33 hours. Beat that shit.

Ricochet•Believe

I keep my heart hidden behind iron bars.

Shitty night. Drunk and stuck. Everything seems to be going crappy for the last couple days. I should be halfway across the state tonight. I get no peace. And the cat scratched my new dining room set. Thought I’d share my bummed-out-ed-ness. Thanks.